*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”