*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.