Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

I triple waxed for this?

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.