Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

won’t smith

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.