*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
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Now this is how you LinkedIn
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex