Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

The Punning Dead.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.