Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

What happened to the other hiker??!

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.