*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
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[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Super Hand Dog Face
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
realest tweet ever.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
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1.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.