*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …