Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Never mess with a drunken pig.

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !