Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5