*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
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America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
how much for the angry fruit?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family