Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Thoughts

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired