*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
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People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
that wasn’t the question
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
How does someone manage that 🤨
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
