Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me