Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
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Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.