Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it