Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college