walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
The pasta is now
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Old old old old old west
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”