walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
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Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Monday Lisa
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Basically.
