walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
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Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Steam Forums
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?