Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
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why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.