Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
You Might Also Like
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Never, ever shout FIRE in a crowded theatre. Shouting LION is much funnier.
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke