Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

I am crying

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.