Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

Ferrari squats

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws