[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
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IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
why am I working on Labor Day
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.