Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.