Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

Spotted in the wild

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

I wish I had the confidence of this kitten who jumps up the same wall everyday thinking it’s gonna stick to it like Spider-Man

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.