Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.