Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?