Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Gods work.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

This hospital has everything

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

“We will wed,” I threatened

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it