Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

hmmm

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

I have many caverns

Whoa… oh I see lol

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”