Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
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men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
you can only post this today
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours