Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.