Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
and now we wait
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick