Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that