Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
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Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor