Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I think this might be relevant today.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

starting a garage orchestra

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.