Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun