Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife