Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.