Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
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[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.