Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
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When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
just gave your address to some spiders
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE