Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe