I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
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Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
ME (calling my horse with no name):
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.