Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
You Might Also Like
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Happy Thanksgiving
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.