Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
When he asks for feet pics
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Banana is the quietest snack
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”