Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.