@FilthyRichmond

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

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@rickygervais

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

@theyearofelan

Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

@roobeekeane

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

@SufficientCharm

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

@Chumpstring

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

@Cheeseboy22

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

@danjan13

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.