Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
is this a threat