Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

You Might Also Like



“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?


Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*


The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB


Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!

Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.

911: What’s your emergency?


“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.


Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.


I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.