@FilthyRichmond

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

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@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

@Sean_Burgundy_

Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad?

Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?

@mrsmith196645

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

@MariyaAlexander

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

@chrisdowning

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

@Dutch_50

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.