Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

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[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced


Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad?

Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?


I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.


More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.


Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.


Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.