I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
6. me as a lawyer
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!
Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.
911: What’s your emergency?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.