@FilthyRichmond

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

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@psybermonkey

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

@portmanteauface

Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

@LionJenkins

Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!

Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.

911: What’s your emergency?

@AngryRaccoon2

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

@juliussharpe

Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.