Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
A passion inside me burns. It’s called chlamydia.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.