Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Before & after 😅
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
This meeting could have been a cake
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Hello Twits.
Is….Is this an option?
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.