Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Real 😅

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

✌️

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named