Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
I’m not average. I’m mean.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year