Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

The 6 types of sex

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.