Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

listen closely

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

And now we wait

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian