Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
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THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work