Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
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Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…