Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

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*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*


You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.

Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.


Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.


If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops


AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen


I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.


I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.


Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.


You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction