@TheNardvark

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

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@Gooooats

*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*

@novicefather

You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.

Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.

@qqnqui

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

@LuvPug

If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops

@KrangTNelson

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

@GingerHotDish

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

@LostFelicia

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

@Mainstream_Man

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

@ilovepie84

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction