Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
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A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren鈥檛 tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We鈥檙e out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We鈥檙e out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I鈥檓 not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
If looks could kill
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 馃榾
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber 拢1*
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem