Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
You Might Also Like
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
You can’t outrun your problems…
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
Good lord
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.