Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
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Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no