Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Who says great literature is dead?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk