Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
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i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.