walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
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ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Care for your back
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Cause of death: Zumba
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*