Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.