Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm