Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked