Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.