Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …