Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

When ur friends with white people

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.