Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*