Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

I was up all night reading about insomnia

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.