Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*