Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google