Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
what the hell girl, sure
Chicken bread
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician