Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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finally
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.