Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
*puts words between two asterisks*
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*