Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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don鈥檛 have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I see your IQ test came back negative
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Why? Just why? 馃槀
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i鈥檓 scared
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK