Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
omg leave her alone
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
