Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.