Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

saw this in a dream

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

Fiction has to make sense.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.