Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

I forgot how to panic. Help

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Grow up never but we old may grow we

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”