Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

I didn’t know they can drive…

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.